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My friends, in the past couple weeks we’ve seen Democrat City-County Councilor Doris Minton-McNeill get in trouble for allegedly cursing out police officers.

We also saw Republican Perry Township Constable Roy Houtchins get indicted on public corruption charges.

You know all this could have been avoided if these two, and others like them, would follow these simple rules:

1. The day you get elected, stop drinking. I like a good beverage as much as the next guy, but I know when to quit. And usually when a politician has been drinking too much, bad things tend to happen.

2. If you can’t drink it, smoke it, eat it or hang it on the wall where everyone can see it, you have absolutely no business taking it! I can’t make that any simpler!

3. Nothing good ever happens after midnight, so take your rear end home!

4. If you are one of those people who think they won’t get caught, guess what: you will! Criminals always get caught. It may take a while, but they do!

5. Never tell a cop, “Do you know who I am?” because that sentence usually ends with yes, you’re under arrest!

And if you get caught, shut up! Don’t hold a news conference! Don’t trot out your family!

And please don’t bring Jesus into this! If you had paid more attention to your family and Jesus in the first place, maybe you wouldn’t be in trouble in the first place.

So those are my rules. And if you’re an elected official and think they are too hard to follow, then go get an attorney now.

And don’t call me, because if you do, you obviously didn’t listen to me the first time.