We’re here tonight to talk about the state of our state — and how much we don’t suck like Michigan.

Times are tough, but golly, I’m relieved. That we’re not Michigan.

Lemme tell you about challenge, but not crisis, issues, but not emergencies.

Sober? No one here is sober.

No assignment will test us more than the proper stewardship of the people’s money. Global trends far from here — read: nothing to do with my old boss, Dubya — have really screwed us over.

But we’re cool.

Cuz we’re not Michigan.

People here, do you know how lucky you are not to live in Michigan?

I mean, they don’t even have chairs in their Statehouse. They have benches. Hard wooden benches. And their lawmakers have to rotate sitting on them.

Thank you for doing my will and getting elected.

Now is the time for hard work. I sent you a budget proposal that is completely awesome, and you should just pass it right now, right after I get done speaking.

Have I ever told you about the programs I inherited that were really messed up? Do you know who messed them up? Democrats.

But hear me now: I won’t increase taxes, which is something very different from at least two of my prior “State of the State” addresses, where I called for tax hikes on smokers and rich people.

It’s a new day.

A state striving for economic greatness (not Michigan) should reduce the burden on taxpayers and workers.

Increasing taxes would be stupid.

And I am not stupid.

Whatever course we take this year, we won’t raise taxes.

Have I already said that?

Taxes! Taxes! Taxes! I hate taxes!

Also, gimmicks. We can’t have gimmicks. Democrats love gimmicks. I, on the other hand, would never propose anything like selling the Hoosier Lottery for magical college scholarships.

If we spend all our money, we’ll be just like Michigan.

Let’s talk about public education, shall we?

Man, our schools just aren’t very good, but we’re pretty poor. That’s why we have to protect education funding at current levels and start spending more wisely.

(I write my own speeches. Can you tell?)