When I was a kid, maybe eight or nine years old, I reeeeeeeally wanted to be a pirate. As you may know, pirates carry swords. After much whining, my parents finally bought me one of those plastic ones with the shiny gold paint that flakes off over time.

This was what I would call, in retrospect, a parenting mistake.

As a newly minted pirate in a landlocked state, I did what any self-respecting pirate would do: I turned my attention to the rows of red tulips my mom had planted in the back yard. They were mutinous tulips, and they needed to suffer for their sins.

(Editor’s note: If you have never lopped off the head of a tulip with a plastic sword, I assure you it is one of the most satisfying fauna-versus-flora experiences you can have.)

One by one, those tulips bravely met their end. It was glorious! Until, of course, my mom looked out the window and noticed what I was doing. The rest you can pretty much guess.

Why am I tell you this story?

Because our dear Mayor, with no vision to call his own and a pack of high-powered lobbyists and lawyers controlling his every move, is behaving like an eight-year-old pirate-in-training.

His fictitious enemies are the arts, parks and, according to this week’s Indianapolis Business Journal, a brand-new foe: TIF districts.

Much as I couldn’t appreciate my mom’s horticultural handiwork two decades ago, I’m pretty sure Greg Ballard couldn’t explain a TIF district to a reporter if he had to, but he’s on the attack, by God, and that’s all we need to know.

This, of course, is clearly another example of Ballard and his minions trying to throw former Mayor Bart Peterson, who had plenty of vision and the talent to back it up, under the bus. Unfortunately, Ballard probably doesn’t realize that many of the big, bad TIF districts he’s now targeting were put in place by Peterson’s Republican predecessor, Steve Goldsmith. And going after Fall Creek Place? Yeah, that’s just dumb.

But when you’ve been in office for nine months with no vision and no clue, you have to look busy, and reviewing “stuff” and looking into “things” accomplishes that goal.

Sadly, the Mayor’s tendency to wave his cheap plastic sword in the air and destroy the nearest forward-thinking idea is costing Indianapolis valuable time and progress as we compete with other cities for new jobs and new blood.

My mom, after confiscating my weaponry and scolding my bad pirate self, was able to replant her garden.

I’m afraid we’ll have to do the same to our city in three years once Ballard is done role-playing on the 25th floor.

Saying he wanted to “trim the fat and cut to the bone,” Marion County Sheriff Frank Anderson tonight submitted a new budget request to the City-County Council, $19 million smaller than his original.

Anderson’s original budget request was more than $111 million. The most recent was nearly $93 million. While still $7 million more than what the mayor’s office had budgeted, $85 million, it is still only slightly larger than last year’s total request, $91 million.

Part of the reason for the $19 million increase was part misunderstanding and part overestimation. Anderson’s office thought there was a new court coming on line and so his office budgeted accordingly. In addition several new vehicle purchases have been put on hold. However a good chunk of the savings came from deferred payments to vendors.

Anderson says his original budget request was put together by his staff and he allowed the division chiefs to make the budget proposal, however he had to go back make sure everyone had cut as much as possible.

Anderson says he is optimistic that he’ll be able to function with the new budget request. And Public Safety Director Scott Newman says the two sides are very close to reaching a settlement figure to fund the office. One of the bigger points of contention is the cost per inmate at the County Jail. The city-comptroller’s office estimated the figure at $107 per inmate. The Sheriff’s office puts the figure at about $58.

A final vote on the budget will take place on September 22.

Since the city won’t be hiring 100 new police officers anytime soon, you might be wondering where your public safety tax money went that was supposed to hire them?  $38 million of the tax increase went to IMPD, $10 million of that was supposed to hire new cops.  Here’s a breakdown of how the last administration spent it.

• $13 million was spent on overtime costs.
• $8.8 million was spent on contractual salary increases.
• $1 million was spent on legal settlements.
• $15.7 million was spent on paying off tax anticipation warrants (short-term borrowing)

I told you people there was nothing in the ordinance that said money had to be spent on new cops.  I really do hate being right all the time.

Note to Greg Ballard: If you want people to stop saying you’re the kind of mayor who doesn’t think before he acts, stop doing things like this.

It’s getting to be a habit that you take a brash action and then have nothing to say about it other than, “Um, we’re working on a plan.”

When you proposed cutting arts funding and selling off parks, you should have had all the relevant information handy to give to the public along with your rationale. If you fire the person in charge of recycling efforts and then tell us you’ll have it all worked out in a few weeks, you look like you’re knee-jerking your way through your official duties.

We’re almost nine months in, and still no vision. I’ve heard of learning on the job, but this is getting absurd.