Supernanny on Grief and Confidence
Yes, Jo Frost’s show on ABC is reality television - meant to entertain an audience and capture ratings. But when I met her in January it couldn’t have been clearer - the British Supernanny is dead serious about her true mission: to awaken and educate struggling families across America. I applaud her for that! Parenting doesn’t make headline news every night, but it’s something I’m passionate about getting into more public discussions. The more we hide our struggles, the heavier they feel. Get ‘em out there, and we all learn something. (at least I hope)
Tonight (Weds at 9pm) the epsiode filmed with the Addis family in Noblesville airs. I interviewed the family for reports that air in our newscasts tonight, to find out what the experience was like. while they say the process was tough, Leslie Addis says the results were well worth it. “Night and day,” she told me, from their life before Jo.
This family’s story involves two really complex and tough issues: a death in the family, and a mother’s struggle to find confidence. Leslie (a mother of four) has a very well-meaning mother, Charity, who also lives in the home. Chariy confessed to me that she was unknowingly shaking Leslie’s confidence, by questioning her parenting decisions. In an effort to be helpful, she basically rendered her adult daughter helpless. Charity had tears in her eyes as she described to me how grateful she is to Jo for pointing this out.
It really got me thinking about how many of my friends have struggled with this same issue, even with our mothers living in different homes or even different states. Who hasn’t had a moment when you KNOW that your parenting decision, isn’t the one they would have made. You feel their scrutiny, spoken or not, and doubt begins to gnaw. Even the most understanding, supportive, and well-meaning parents can sometimes make us worry that “we’re not doing it right.”
When we first moved to Indiana, we went through some pretty draining parenting struggles as we helped our kids (Calvin, 5 and Clara, 2) adjust to the move, a totally new neighborhood, new schools, upside-down schedules, and a heightened stress level at home. I knew it would be tough on them, but it was more intense than I expected.
When we had visits from the various grandparents, some of what they saw was not pretty to say the least. Ian and I were learning on the fly how to cope with the new obstacles, sometimes by trial and error, but held firm to our own techniques. We knew it would take time and commitment to work through it all, and that while we were very aware that our own parents may have handled the struggles quite differently, we had to get through this our way.
I’m so glad to say we got over the hill, or broke through the clouds, or whatever metaphor you want 
to use, and things are much sunnier nowadays. Upon seeing how great things are going for the kids now, my Dad said something that I’ll probably never forget. “Whatever you guys did, it worked.”
There’s probably nobody I want to impress more than my own parents. That kind of affirmation is absolutely priceless.
I hope you’ll watch the show tonight and share your own stories and thoughts here. I look forward to hearing from you!!
Trish
PS - If you watch tonight’s episode, notice the lack of any product labels or artwork on walls! Leslie tells me the ABC crew had to tape over any logos (even on her cans of Dr. Pepper!) and remove any art that could copyrighted. The family also wore the same outfit for several days in a row to help the editors with continuity. Fascinating!
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I really feel as though this issue has a generational component that makes it even more pronounced for many of today’s parents. My wife and I have three young kids (ages 9, 5 and 20 months), and I’m in my early 40s (my wife would like the record to state that she’s…well, at least younger than me). We are of that generation that generally gets singled out as the first one to “do worse than our parents did.” As a group, we’re such slackers that we really don’t even have one universally-accepted name as, say, the Baby Boomers do.
Certainly the idea of parental scrutiny has been dealt with by every generation of parents, but my g-g-generation is much more inclined to believe that parenting is just one more thing that we don’t measure up to our parents on. As a result, I think we worry a lot more about what our parents think as we’re raising our own kids, and we probably second-guess ourselves more.
I rarely feel as though I’m as good a parent as my parents were (and continue to be) to me, and I feel the same way about my in-laws. I would say that my wife and I have really had work at having the courage of our convictions when it comes to parenting our way.
Does anyone else feel this way, or am I just full of it?
Anyway, good story.
Hey Trish! I was just out in LA (was able to see the guys at their shows out there…what a blast…and great to see TSH again!). I saw the photo on your post, and had to tell you the Super Nanny was on my flight from Dallas to Omaha…just a couple seats down from me. Crazy! I would love to make a trip to Indy to take more photos of your fam (and any friends that want photos taken too). Hope to see you soon!
Take care-
mandy
Jo Frost does a great job helping parents improve their parenting skills. Although we didn’t have Jo, my husband and I took parenting classes and read many books when our children were young. Many of the techniques worked almost miraculously. All the effort we spent developing our parenting skills has definitely paid off.
Eric - yes, you are full of it! ( I can only say that because I know him) Seriously, I think you’re onto somthing with the generational difference. My husband and I fall into the Gen X category, and I do think we are hyper-sensitive to being considered “slackers”. I hope we’ll hear a lot more from you on this blog in the future!
Mandy - I’m so jealous you got to see the Nadas (my hubby’s band) in LA! I was here in balmy Indy. I’m glad to hear Meatloaf is back on the road! (their tour bus, formerly owned by Meatloaf, broke down in Dallas yesterday - UGH!) The kids and I are counting the days till we get Ian back home. Let’s talk about another photo session - I have ideas… (Mandy is a GENIOUS with a camera)
Kathy -
Thanks for your comment. Any particular books or authors you liked? I’m all ears!Trisha
eric, I’m tired of you rich, white guys crying about your bratty kids. I would assume that you have been called to the Pricipal’s office on more than one occasion for your hand-wringing attitude. You need to lighten up and be like your parents. I saw a Dick Wolfsie piece one time about helicoptor parents and how they screw up their kids and then their kids become government bureacrats.
Quit worrying
Vote Conservative
Watch Supernanny
Hello, “Dean O” -
Don’t be so cranky, it’s Friday!
Just a wild guess, but something tells me you’re having just a bit of sarcastic fun at your friend Eric’s expense?
I do think you’re onto something about “helicopter parents…” nobody wants to be that extremely controlling and obsessive about managing their kids’ lives. But given all the awful news about neglected children lately, I guess I’m far less alarmed by parents who OVER-involved in their kids’ lives, than parents who don’t act like parents at all.
Again, I think Supernanny Jo had some pretty solid advice when she said above all, “trust your gut.” I’m no family therapist, but I think that if you’re the kind of parent who at least stops to ask - is this really the right way to handle this??? - chances are you’ll do fine if you are honest with yourself.
“Dean O”:
Sounds like someone needs a hug.
You may not have heard, but a lot of really cool stuff has happened since the 1950s. So where do YOU get off calling ME an extremist?
I was watching Ed Begley, Jr. just now with our three kids–Civilian, TreeBark and Kafka–and I got to thinking about your helicopter parent comment. Sadly, I’m forced to admit that I probably DID show that behavior–at least to some degree–for our oldest child, but almost not at all for the other two.
Unwittingly, you’ve highlighted another aspect of this whole thing for me. I probably did a lot more “hovering” in my early years as a parent than I do now. Was it because I loved our oldest child more than the other two? Of course not. It had everything to do with what my parental confidence level was early on, versus what it is now.
Okay, so you’re not a complete chowderhead. But vote Conservative? Well, I HAVE seen quite a few Charlton Heston movies. But isn’t that enough pain for one lifetime?
Teach Your Children Well!
The best compliment I’ve ever received is when my mom told me how proud she was of me as a parent and that she is really impressed with how great a job I am doing raising her grandchildren while working full time and keeping my marriage connected and alive. Of course, I made sure to point out that so much of what I do is what I learned from her!