Never could I have imagined that Calvin’s much-anticipated Force Action Light sabre would be upstaged so dramatically on Christmas morning. He opened it, he loves it. Everyone is happy. End of story.

It Clara’s new toy, “Baby Alive Learns to Potty,” that has managed to hijack Christmas and is now trying to run our household.

From the moment Clara ripped open the box, Baby Alive was hungry.  This Baby is the bilingual version so sometimes she tells us “Tengo hambre” and”Hola Mami!”  

“Perfect,” I thought. Calvin is learning Spanish at school and can translate for his sister and help her learn.

   Still in our PJ’s, Clara and I found ourselves rushing into the kitchen and mixing up this nasty concoction of green powder and water to shovel into hungry Baby’s mouth, along with bottles of water.  With hardly a warning the little voice piped up  –  ”Oops! I had an accident!!” 

   It turns out Clara is no good at diapering. She is also easily distracted.  I have found myself basically in charge of this newborn – wiping, diapering, trying to rush it to the potty in time before it leaks green goo everywhere.  She’s supposed to warn you when she has to go but I swear this Baby has a bladder control problem.

“She’s a really good baby,” Clara told me, her eyes filled with love for her needy little mess-factory.

“Te quiero, mami!” Baby tells her back.

Ian has just been laughing, taking pictures, and emailing all his friends about our maddening new arrival. The great daddy that he is, he flat out refuses to deal with a pottying doll.

   After a few hours Christmas morning of greenish mess all over floors and clothing, I begged my kids, “Stop feeding that thing!!”  

“But she says she’s hungry, mom!!” Clara insisted. 

“She said tengo hambre, that means she’s hungry in Spanish!” smarty pants Calvin reminded me.  (Is there a way to get Baby Alive to maybe speak Russian or Japanese instead?)

We burned through every single diaper within a few hours.  After one particularly messy leak, I heard an exasperated Uncle Calvin tell his sis, “Clara, why did you ask for this thing anyway?”

So I have a new strategy.  I have resorted to stalking my kids. If I hear that little Baby voice from across the house complaining it’s hungry, I race over and try catch the kids before anyone feeds Baby Insane (oops, Alive). Then I force them to sit her on a towel or on the potty before giving her a drop to drink or eat.

I did mercifully find a secret trick in the manual that makes Baby Alive go to sleep.

Two more words: Buenas Noches!!!